Static, Illusions, Communication & Conflict - Part 1

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” - George Bernard Shaw
  
When working with couples the two main areas that usually need to be focused on (in my experience) are communication and conflict resolution.  As you can imagine, these two areas are so intertwined that you cannot work with one without the other.  So what are the issues?


1.  People believe when they speak people hear them (TRUE)
2.  People believe hearing equates to understanding (FALSE)
3.  Most of the time we listen to "hear" when the person has stopped talking so we can make our point. (TRUE)
4.  Even though we do this to others (listening for the stopping point so we can make our point) we believe this is not being done to us. (FALSE) 

With those four statements in mind, we can see how much static and illusions take place in the art of communication.  So what can we do?

Give this a try...

For the person that is speaking...
1.  Use "I" statements when speaking about your desires
2.  Tell how it will make you feel if completed
For the person that is listening....
3.  Paraphrase what the other individual has said
4.  Ask if that was correct

Confused?

Let's look at this in action:
Sally:  I wish you would help me with the dishes.  If you would help me with the dishes more I would feel less stressed and feel very loved by you.  
Harry:  All you do is nag.  I can never do enough for you.  I work all day and I am tired!
*Harry was listening for Sally to stop talking so he could make his point.

Let's try that again:
Sally:  I wish you would help me with the dishes.  If you would help me with the dishes more I would feel less stressed and very loved by you.  
Harry:  So you are saying you would like more help with the dishes and by doing this you would feel less stressed and loved?  Is that correct?
Sally:  Yes!

As you may see this would help with basic communication, being heard and understood, but would this really help with a conflict?  Next week we will add this technique with some basic conflict resolution skills and see what happens.

Proverbs 18:13 (NIV)
To answer before listening—
that is folly and shame.

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

Proverbs 13:3 (NIV)
Those who guard their lips preserve their lives,
but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.

Resources


Prepare and Enrich - Communication and Conflict Resolution Sections.  You may participate in the Mecklenburg Community Church Prepare and Erich program.  Contact us today to learn more details!